


How many are there - those pieces of me?

by i_am_zan



Series: 49 Days [5]
Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Backstory, Gen, I Don't Even Know, Introspection, yet more
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-05
Updated: 2016-08-05
Packaged: 2018-07-29 08:05:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 994
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7676668
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/i_am_zan/pseuds/i_am_zan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"My life has a superb cast but I can’t figure out the plot.” - Sometimes Lavi thinks too hard, (quote from Ashleigh Brilliant)</p>
            </blockquote>





	How many are there - those pieces of me?

**Author's Note:**

> Usual disclaimers - not for fun, not profit.

He’s resting his head on crossed arms, as he lies on his bed in his own room. It is actually nice that it is _his own_. He _IS_ the sole occupier. He casts his mind back a little, he’s just been told off, yet again for the umpteenth time - to focus and not allow himself become too attached. If Bookman knew the truth, he - in all likelihood - would never have taken the boy with him all those years ago. That was probably the first time he put on a mask, but paradoxically it was also the first time that he loses his heart a little. He did not put on a mask of fear, because he was canny enough to know that it was expected. Nor did he hide his uncertainty for that too was a given. But every time that Bookman says ‘my apprentice’, or calls him ‘Boy’ like any father would, something in his chest filled with an air of something unnameable that almost hurts but feels exactly right. So on went the mask and he’s quiet, reserved and frightened and uncertain. 

So if Bookman was privy to the knowledge that he owned a piece of his apprentice’s heart, so easily given at the time, he definitely would not have taken the boy with him. It is not just masked by presentiment alone, but together with gratitude and forbearance, the boy does a good job of hiding the little bit of love that only a six year can feel and really how can he not?. 

How can he not, when he’s been nursed through ill health and a bullet wound. After witnessing his first few battles, had his hands held through fevered nightmares. Bookman had more than put up with him tugging on his topknot during those times in the early days when he was small enough to be piggybacked, and even beyond that for a time. The many kindnesses extended to him, that went farther than what could be deemed as bare necessities. 

It is only later, very much later - when he’s been instructed in the paradigms of grammar of the languages he already knows, during the study of the writing and reading of some that he does not, all through hours of rote. He knows it’s gone beyond mere guardianship when he hears his master’s voice in his head that first time and Junior realises that he knew all along and is not the slightest bit surprised, simply because he IS The Bookman. 

Lavi might think long and ponder himself into melancholia about not needing-having a heart. He might spend hours in the darkness meditating on the mantra - The Bookman is a spectator to history, and its chronicler. He records the secret history of the world and passes it on to future generations. But he wonders if Bookman considers the part of him that he owns as being lost forever, and now only has to worry about what is left. He smiles and wonders that he is not the only one that struggles with impartiality, because Lavi is certain that if complete neutrality is what Bookman is aiming for, then Bookman is certainly failing too.

Because Junior goes where his master tells him to. Much like Yuu’s threats to visit death upon his person, each time the old panda boxed him about his ears, kicked him head over his - very sore - butt and threatened him with disownment, they have just been threats. In fact oft when the elder has reminded him - harshly - to remember his place as an observer, it is beginning to sound like the old man is trying to convince himself too and has not yet said, ‘This is it boy, we’re leaving.” 

The Order might have given him his first home, and stacking three against the ten years he spent with his guardian, the weight might seem overly unbalanced. Folding and piling the three different sets of uniforms made to fit against that of forty eight different faces is also just a touch unfair. The same can not be said in Bookman’s case, but Junior has deduced that his master’s own - personal - motives go further than skin deep. Especially considering his reactions to the aftermath of the annihilation of the original Black Order headquarters, that the Earl could have destroyed them all a hundred years since, and to push aside Lavi’s concern at being helpless to protect Allen from their own and his own grave misgiving at the intimation of Cross Marian’s to there being another side to the war. 

Lavi’s sense of foreboding is heightened when in spite of Cross Marian’s murder-or-disappearance-no-one’s-telling, exorcists are still being sent out on missions. Yuu, Marie and Allen get sent to France, Lenalee, Miranda and even Chaoji get sent out on other Akuma clean-up jobs, but there’s always a home team to ensure that non-combatants have some vestige of protection. There’s something going on because there are more Akuma everywhere, and when everyone is back and accounted for, he will be off to China with Bookman, Chaoji, some finders and one of the third exorcists. Allen-and-his-shadow-Link and Yuu, also have a couple of the thirds with them. Lavi is correct in concluding that the thirds are as much to help them as to keep an eye on Allen Walker (and the rest of them) for Central, in truth more of Lvellier’s bloodhounds. 

Lavi shoulders his pack on his back and goes off to join the rest of his team. His ruminating will have to take a back seat for now. For now, Bookman has not told him anything other than to continue with the logs and the only thing that he is vehemently adamant about is that Lavi does not go beyond his synchro-rate and become a crystallisation type. He wants to say a quick farewell to Yuu before they go their separate ways. He does not know that his prescient of bad-very-bad-things to come is about to become truth.

**Author's Note:**

> ... and this is really is tardy too! *sigh*  
>  If it is your birthday on August 4 Happy Birthday  
> I'm kind of struggling right about now, so whilst they may be lacklustre, I still hope that someone somewhere kind of-maybe likes this.  
> ... and since I'm struggling ... prompt me? ... and I'll see if I can do anything with them, though I can't promise anything. ^_^
> 
> As ever, thank you everyone for reading - Zan


End file.
